good things... um.

*and more hugs, for that matter*

i'll spare you all the happy stuff (*hugs* and love by the way) and get right to what i think the point is:

do you believe that you have the right to be happy? i don't mean objectively, in a purely logical sense... i mean, emotionally in your day-to-day sense.

if you don't believe you have the right to be happy then i think your negative side will always assert itself to punish you, you'll always look on the negative side of things over the positive, etc etc.

i'm not meaning this to sound like i've got all the answers, i flat-out don't, and i'm not meaning to sound like it's as simple as changing one decision and it all works out. it's like that freudian psychology book i read way back when where they associated schizophrenics with "the unloved child". part of that personality problem was due to experience (no kidding, eh?) but part of it was that the infant/child/adult sincerely believed that they weren't good enough to be happy, weren't pure enough, weren't entitled to it, had commited sins and wrongs that couldn't be attoned for, had been wrong by a person and continued to use that as punishment, etc.

if you want to accept all that as true, until you let yourself be happy you'll never be happy. bilpha will always assert herself.

in counselling they always tried to make me look at my own self-loathing objectively, as in, pretend that you're explaining to a child how to live life. what values would you instill? how would you justify your own feelings towards yourself? when that child became a teenager and had all the same problems that you yourself face, how would you counsel them? would it be alright for them to be self-hating? would you try to change them?

i don't have the answers, petite, and i don't even have the positive energy to try to encourage you right now. i love you, try not to be too hard on yourself.