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Jian Update: Love Coffee, Not Bush

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Jian Update: Love Coffee, Not Bush

Posted by: Josh Woodward on Thu, Mar 6, 2003

dearest >play pacificist primroses,

make tea not war!

that's what the ENGLISH PEOPLE are saying. they like their tea. and they don't like their war.

i've just now returned from a whirlwind >play trip to london, england where i've learned two important lessons about the current state of "the empire": (1) the english masses don't want war; (2) they fancy tea and mini-skirts. more on the latter later.

1. MAKE TEA NOT WAR

the brits are united in a quest for a peaceful high tea with DIGESTIVE biscuits. and no imminent attack on iraq.

these english aren't really pleased with their PRIME MINISTER on this one, my primroses. no sir. TONY BLAIR has turned out to be a hawk. not a dove. if he ever was a primrose pacifist he's not now. no sir. he wants war. and the english are angry. so angry that they're saying cruel things about tony. unless, that is, you think the placard calling tony blair "GEORGE W's ASS-LICKING DOG" was a compliment. doesn't sound very pleasant to me, my primroses. no sir. of course, tony appears to be earnest in his appeals. he believes himself. but then i find most doggies quite earnest. they believe themselves too. good doggies. yes sir.

the english always have fab slogans. like "make tea, not war!" my only problem with this current british pro-tea/anti-war movement is that it may be so silly that it will have dangerous implications for what *really* matters in the world: drinking coffee. that would be bad. i prefer coffee to tea. more caffeine in coffee than tea. mmm...caffeine. good for energy. a necessary part of the daily diet.

i made a list of slogans that pro-coffee english primroses could use in their anti-war effort:

1. make coffee not war! 2. make coffee not tea! 3. make coffee and tea. not war! 4. make coffee not STARBUCKS! 5. make coffee and love! 6. love coffee not bush! 7. love coffee not george w. bush! 8. make coffee and say no to ass-licking doggie prime ministers for war against iraq!

yes. i know that #8 is a bit wordy. my list is still a work in progress. but some of these slogans can come in handy. try them at your local cafe, my primroses.

2. MINI-SKIRTING THE ISSUE

the other important lesson i've learned from my trip to "the empire" is the renewed english fondness for mini-skirts. the return of mini-skirts is afoot! mini-skirts are everywhere. on female mammals. everywhere. very mini. usually with black boots. so mini. also with a short trenchcoat kind of coat. mini mini. and very sexy in a "my legs are cold but i'm going for the mini in early-march anyway" kinda way. good thing english female mammals don't live in CANUCKISTAN where their legs would turn into MR. FREEZE delicacies with their mini-skirts. good thing. that would be cool in a bad way. not hot.

i was very fond of the mini-skirts until i had to wear one. then i became less fond of the mini-skirts.

you see, on my third day in the empire, my BRITISH PRODUCER told me to wear a mini-skirt on one of our television shoots. she said that they were "all the rage" and that i would "fit in" with my "kind" in the SOHO district. she said that it would be good for >play ratings on satellite in the uk. i told her that i like looking at mini-skirts but that the mini-skirt was too small and constricting for me. she made me wear the mini-skirt.

i'm not so sure i fit in with the mini-skirt on. i noticed many english mammals laughing at me, my primroses. laughing at me is not really new but they were pointing at my, um, mini-skirt area. and laughing. one bloke asked me if i was FREDDIE MERCURY. i told him i wasn't freddie mercury. but i was happy when he asked me that. i like QUEEN. but then i took off the mini-skirt, once and for all. my british producer was very nasty about it. she told me that i was not getting my per diem that day. for my coffee. and tea. not war.

3. MAKE >PLAY NOT WAR. OR TEA.

on this week's edition of >play you will see me in england with sexy english >play lad, TIM MARLOW, my primroses. tim and i met up on PRIMROSE HILL (really!) and promptly decided to experience british culture: we went to the pub. we will take you on a trip of all the cool things happening in the arts in london right now. with our words.

also this week we will have my interview with brilliant songwriter/performer, NEIL FINN. this former CROWDED HOUSE resident is one of the greatest pop hitmakers of the 80s and 90s, me thinks. i was thrilled to sit down with him (in a pub as well). you will see that he is as accessible in person as he is in his songs.

then LIVE this week we have gorgeous pop culture guru-ess (and DNTO host), SOOK-YIN LEE in winnipeg for the FILMEXCHANGE. i will chat with sook-yin and try to refrain from flirting. or wearing my mini-skirt. the stretched mini-skirt.

live as well in the >play pen will be witty canadian writer/director/star DON MCKELLAR. don is awesomeness. he will discuss his latest project - an animated comedy sitcom thingy - over a pint. or some DARJEELING.

also live we have >play movie prince, THOM ERNST to discuss a remarkable little film called RUSSIAN ARK, and STEVE BURGESS live in vancouver rambling on in his brilliant way. with his spectacles.

finally we have hot toronto upstarts, TANGIERS, live in the >play pen. these dudes were on of the toasts of the CANADIAN MUSIC WEEK showcases at the weekend. they are making quite a stink in the indie canadian music scene for their STROKES-ish tendencies. we'll see what they do in the flesh.

join us live in the >play pen for drinks and reverie. we'll drink pints like the brits. and then make tea. in our skirts. yours (pre-jet-lag),

jian

tv host/sloganeering mammal

>play on CBC Newsworld p: 416.205.7918 f: 416.205.2516

Sign up for Jian's weekly newsletter while visiting our website: www.cbc.ca/play

For info on this week's show call the >play line: 416.205.2354 Watch >play Thursdays LIVE @ 11:00 pm ET or the re>plays Friday @ 2:00 am ET, 8:00 pm ET or Saturdays 7:00 pm ET.

   Discussion: Jian Update: Love Coffee, Not Bush
Starfox · 14 years, 9 months ago
I will never understand Pacifists. I will never understand war hawks either for that matter. Two ends of the extreme. Both silly.
danced with Lazlo Back · 14 years, 9 months ago
What about freedom hawks?
Starfox Back · 14 years, 9 months ago
Can't say I'm that familiar with the term.
The Bad Bowler · 14 years, 9 months ago

The past couple of Jian's play letters have truely and completely upset me.  I work for the Department of Defense, and half of our office is military.  I'm seeing close friends here being called to duty, and well as my brother and 2 uncles (all whom are married with young children).  How Jian makes light of this situation with "Make coffee, not war" literally makes my heart ache with anger.  Maybe it's because I'm caught up in the middle of the situation, both in my personal and professional lives.  I know I have to support my loved ones, and reading Jian's letters makes me feel like I'm the only one supporting them, as apparently he would classify me as a 'slick warmonger'.  Maybe while in London he should have talked to some people who are in my situation.  **  I used a lot of self control when writing this...

Josh Woodward Back · 14 years, 9 months ago
> I know I have to support my loved ones, and reading
> Jian's letters makes me feel like I'm the only one
> supporting them

I think that all of us here, including Jian, support the troops who are putting their lives on the line for their countries. The objection from Jian (and probably most of us) lies more in the government who is pushing this war. I'm angry at Bush for putting the lives of your brother and uncles on the line for motives that aren't quite noble.
Andrea Krause Back · 14 years, 9 months ago
Yes, I agree. Me, I don't blame the troops for what I object to. Frankly I'd rather support them in living long healthy lives than fighting a war I don't think is currently justified. The armed forces are doing what is their duty as told to them by their government. But I don't think they want to die or kill any more than we want them to.
Starfox Back · 14 years, 9 months ago
My best friend for almost two decades is currently stationed in Kuwait. I absolutely support anyone in our military who is fighting. My beef is with our warmongering President and his lawless administration who are placing them there. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm totally against the coming war in Iraq, yet at the same time I support our troops and want them to come home safe and sound.

I do have some problems with the higher echelons of the military, the generals and admirals who should refuse Bush's orders. They took oaths to defend and support our Constitution, not to do whatever the CinC says to do. There are limits to that authority.

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